Chainsaw VS. Alligator! You'll Never Believe Who Wins!

Category: Odd NewsMood: Journalistic7:05pm Monday, December 1st, 2014

Hey there! Sorry, I made up that bit about the chainsaw. This is an opinion piece about clickbait. Goddamn, it's annoying.

Effective, though, isn't it?

I can't tell you how many hours of my life I have wasted clicking things that never deserved to be clicked, knowing even before clicking that it is a mistake. Cursing myself as a new tab opens in my browser and fills my screen with the content I just, inexplicably, consented to view. I do this not because I expect to be wowed, amazed, or rendered incapable of belief, but out of a morbid curiosity to see how lame the story actually is. It seems the more sensational the headline, the more mundane the story.

I want to stop, but I can't seem to help myself.

The headline claims that I'll never believe how so and so did such and such. My eyes catch on it. They hang. I know I'll totally believe it. I know that if I click, I'll not only believe how so and so did such and such, but I'll understand why and deem it an acceptable and reasonable course of action. I know that it will be something uninteresting, of no importance, and there is no reason I shouldn't go on ahead with the rest of my life without ever knowing about it. I'm absolutely positive that, whatever it is, I'm not going to fucking care.

But I click anyway.

For some reason, some part of me just has to know. My finger maybe. It's the one that does the clicking. The rest of me is protesting. No! Don't click that! What's wrong with you? But it's too late. Here's the new tab and the new content. It's staring me in the face, poorly formatted, unfortunately sized, clothed in advertisements. A too large, sometimes completely unrelated, image accompanies it. I quickly skim the article, curse its idiocy, close the tab, curse the content creator and content provider. I gain nothing from the experience but anger at having wasted my time.

And they win.

They got me. I clicked. Ads were displayed in my browser, and because of that, someone made some money. Money that had belonged to one person now belonged to another. Pennies, sure. But those little buggers can add up. Someone made money off of inconveniencing me. They threw out the line, and a smart fish like me looked at it and said, "Hey! That worm has a hook in it. Not only that, but I'm positive it is a worm of inferior quality, and most assuredly, festering with strange bacteria from a different ecosystem. CHOMP! Yup! It sure is disgusting! Oh, fuck, my cheek!"

So, I think I'm just going to stop clicking those. Ignorance of things you don't give a fuck about, is bliss.

Kevin Dicks

About Kevin Dicks

      Kevin Dicks, hereafter to be referred to as "I", is, first and foremost, a writer. I am working on several novels, and if you are interested you can follow my progress at my The Fiction of Kevin Dicks Facebook page. I also like to dabble in web design. I'm most comfortable scripting in PHP, woven with JavaScript for client-side functions. I am currently trying to expand my understanding of JavaScript into a grasp of Java and I would like to branch out to creating Android and Google Chrome applications. Mostly, I have a need for several personalized apps, and if I do well on those, I may consider creating some fun free apps for the Android Market.

      I work at a company doing something for a living. I hate it from the deepest depths of my soul.

      All I want out of life is to be able to earn enough to live comfortably off my writing. It is my one, singular goal: Make writing my soul source of income and live comfortably.