Damn I'm sad today. Been cleaning, which is not a good way to take my mind off of things. I think too much when I clean. As the house gets back in shape I look around and think of all the dreams she and I had for it. Every time I accomplish one, I'm just going to start missing her more. Everything that happens for the rest of my life is going to be dulled because she's not here to share it with. Everything's always been better with her at my side. I'm 35, and she's the only girl I've ever been with that didn't drive me up the wall. Will I find another like her? Maybe in 35 years. I'll be 70, if I live that long. I think I slipped back a few steps in the grieving process. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe it won't. I know I'm going to keep doing what I have to do. Keep pushing on. Keep living, even though the only thing worth living for is gone. If only I had made these changes sooner, life would have been okay. But it's not. It's not okay. And I didn't. I didn't make them sooner. And now I have to live with this. I could have made her so happy. If only I hadn't gotten lost. I still refuse to get lost again. I refuse to quit writing, I refuse to quit cleaning, I refuse to quit working out. I will push on. I will keep going until God decides it's time for me to die. But shit how it's going to suck.
Things I would do for Heather:
1. Anything
2. Everything
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
