I was listening to Oingo Boingo as I worked out earlier, and it occurred to me, there is no better music to listen to while working out than 80's music. For those of us who grew up in the 80s, is there any music better for self-improvement? Think about it. Every self-improvement montage from your youth had an 80's soundtrack. The part of the movie would come where the character started to improve and better him/herself, and that music would kick in and show scenes of them getting better and better. I feel that when I'm working out, and it's pretty cool.

Last night as I was trying so hard to sleep, my brain was churning. I want so badly for Heather to change her mind at some point, but I just get the feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how perfect I become, it's just not going to happen. And I started to wonder, after all this, how am I still in love with her? And the answer is I don't know, I just am. How can I forgive her this? I don't know, I just do. I thought of all of my friends, and tried to imagine which of them would react in the way I have, and I couldn't think of any. I try to imagine any other girl doing this to me, and the outcome is scary. But, I am doing what I am doing. I am so much happier with myself. She still has her chance if she happens to come to her senses. My heart and my love are stronger than they've ever been. Emotionally, anyway, I'd have to see a doctor to tell me about the physical status of my heart.

But strong as my heart is, every time the phone rings and it's him to talk to her, a needle goes into my heart. Every time her cell phone buzzes, a needle goes into my heart. Every time she says his name, or mentions her plans, a needle is inserted. My heart can take a lot. It is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I am strong, and I am resolute, and I am stubborn. But how many needles will it take to weaken it? It can't go on forever, I know that. How many times can it be jabbed before it says, "fuck this!" So, when the finances are taken care of, when she stabs in the sword by walking out the door, will my heart still be willing? I can't answer that. I don't know. What will I think of her when that happens? I don't know. I know I will still care about her. I know I will still want her as a friend. But beyond that? I don't know.

I know that I am awesome. I know that I am, and will continue to be, the best possible guy a man can be. Who walks away from that on a whim?

When I did this, my relationship at the time was downright abusive. We both mentally abused each other, and I was from time to time, physically abused. I had explained my issues to my then girlfriend countless times, at least once a month I would tell her the changes that needed to be made if we were to last, and they never changed. Also, my girlfriend at the time had either cheated on me, or almost cheated on me the month before. I don't know how far she got with the guy. She worked with him, and all I know is that they got really close, and they got in trouble for sexual harassment at work. That, though I didn't know it at the time, nailed the relationship shut. It was over then, I just didn't know it. The damage that did to the relationship was irreversible, and I began to let go on that day. I met Heather a month later, and that was that.

But, compare that to my relationship with Heather. We never yelled at each other, rarely fought, and though I would get distracted by that stupid game, I did pay attention to her. She ignored me as much as I ignored her. Yes, I would get bitter and angry, but not at her. She was never the focus of my rage. I would yell at the air, not at her. I would yell at my computer, not at her. I would yell at the dogs, not at her. I understand how that was stressful, and I understand it is not a desirable trait to have -- but relationship ending? I don't think so. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it simply would not have mattered how I was acting. I believe this would have happened regardless. The only reason I was even playing that game was to have one more thing that we shared together. And she wanted me to play it, she showed it to me, she talked me into playing it. Yes, it was an escape from life for her, and she wanted me to escape with her. And I did. I told her for years that I quit playing games because they made me angry at times. I told her I would yell at the screen and cuss it, hit the controllers -- it's why I quit playing games, and she knew this. But she wanted me to play, and I did.

We both let the house go, we both let the bills go, we both let repairs go undone. And now, I am nearly perfect. I'm doing everything without complaint. I have nothing to complain about. I don't mind doing this stuff. I don't mind cooking, I don't mind cleaning, I'll be making a lifelong habit of it. I'm quite enjoying it, if you must know the truth. She quit cooking, too. She quit cleaning, too. She quit living, too. I did not cause this, and I cannot fix this in her. She thinks being happy with someone else can fix this (I guess, I'm not in her head), or perhaps she thinks it will be easier to fix herself if she's somewhere else. Well, it won't. It just won't. I have made a commitment to myself to live positively from now on, and I am going to honor that commitment. I'm going to do it for me, because I want a good life for myself. And I know that as I continue to improve and make small changes here and there, that this will be the best possible environment for her. But, as she is so fond of saying, it's her decision. And it is. It is her decision. I can't make it for her. I just have to sit back and watch. And it's a painful thing to have to do, it really is. And -- ouch, what was that? Oh ... another needle.

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