The scale has betrayed me. Last night at midnight, I was thinking, "It's technically Friday. I can weigh myself now if I want." But then I told myself, "No, it is Thursday night, Friday starts when you wake up." So, I didn't weigh myself last night. This morning, before coffee, before breakfast, I stepped on the scale. No change. That rat bastard. But, fuck the scale, it's a liar and a thief. Thief, you say? But how is the scale a thief? Cause it stole my ... Fuck, I don't know, it just sounded good, so roll with it. I know I am losing fat, so that is the important thing. My stomach has shrunk a lot. There's just far less of me than there was a month ago. It helps that all the muscle I built a few years ago never really went away, it just got soft, and since I've been working out again, it is coming back very quickly, it's nowhere near as hard as it was to initially build it. I just have to retrain what is already there.
I feel really fucking good today. I feel like a new man with 35 years hard experience under my belt. I am so different. I'm thinking differently, I'm feeling differently, I feel positive and empowered, same things I've been working on, but I just feel it so much more right now. It is becoming who I am. I feel in control and just really good. And the best part of all this newness, is that the old familiar me is still there, too, just improved. I'm still weird, I'm still crazy in a good way, I'm still Kevin, I'm just more Kevin than ever, because I'm confident and sure of myself. I don't need your approval, I don't need Heather's approval, I don't need my sister's approval, I don't need my brother's approval. I have my approval, and that's all I need. That part of me that constantly sought approval from others made me -- I don't know what. But I didn't like it. I never felt good. I never felt worth anything. But fuck that, man, I am. I have immense worth, and I don't need anyone to tell me that, cause I can tell myself that and mean it. It's one thing to try to convince yourself, but it's quite another to tell yourself that authoritatively. That's where I am now, and I love it. I feel sofa king good.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
