Ever since I identified this part of myself and named it, The Alpha has completely taken me over. I know that The Alpha is just a state of mind, and not a separate being, but I prefer to write about it as if it were an individual force inside of myself. It's just more poetic that way.
So, as I was saying, ever since I identified The Alpha, he has taken over, and it feels good. I'm even more confident, less self-conscious than I was just days ago. I'm fucking relaxed. All the nervousness and anxiety I've been carrying with me for years is gone. The Alpha has taken control of me.
What is The Alpha? The Alpha is everything that is male inside of me. When I was a kid, my father was in the picture, but not really around very much. I spent most of my time with my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother on my mother's side. I was pretty much raised by women as my father worked and watched TV. That left me with a pretty large feminine side, and my male traits have been lying mostly dormant. They woke up. I like it. The Alpha knows when to lead, and when to step aside and let emotions rule, it knows when to be compassionate, when to be forgiving, and when to have empathy. But it is the gatekeeper. It lets these things through, but it is in control.
The Alpha feeds on that darkness and gains strength from it, in turn weakening the darkness. The Alpha will not let the darkness consume me. The Alpha is strong and dominant. The Alpha has also provided a shield from those needles that I was referring to in an earlier blog. It keeps me strong, and confident through all obstacles and challenges. It keeps me strong and resilient on the whole. It has become me and I have become it, yet I retain a compassion for humanity, I retain my empathy, I retain the ability to cry, and still feel like a man while doing it. I retain the ability to be kind and caring. I retain the ability to feel, and it enhances my ability to deal with those feelings. The Alpha is a combination of everything that is and ever has been good within me. It is pure positivity. I am proud to let it rule me.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
