So, I stepped on the scale again today, and it showed me five pounds lighter than I was yesterday. Then, I ate my power breakfast, and it's back to the same. That bowl of delicious mush did not weigh five pounds, and my body didn't have time to convert it to anything. So, my scale is retarded.
I have a lot to do today. I haven't gotten to it yet. I did stop the den door from squeaking, fixed the spout on the bathtub so it works again, rigged up some speakers for the exercise room, and oiled my exercise equipment so that it doesn't make so much noise. I still have to organize the "storage room" aka, "The Dining Room That Never Was," well, at least, The Dining Room that has yet to be. It will be a dining room soonish.
The Alpha kind of scares me, but in a thrilling, exciting way. He's so powerful. He's so dominant. He's so sure of himself. But I must make sure he maintains adequate control without gaining too much. He's so calm, so carefree. I have to allow the cautious side of me some room, and I have been. I don't let The Alpha drive how The Alpha wants to drive, for instance. He would get us killed. I have to allow the love in me to shine through, and I have been. But, man, I feel like I finally grew up. I feel like I am no longer a scared little boy, because I was. I was a scared little boy for 35 years. I would lash out in anger, just like a little boy. I needed comfort, acceptance, reassurance. I have grown beyond that.
There are some things in life that once you move past, you just can't go back. Once a certain thing clicks, it cannot unclick. Sometimes, there simply is no backsliding. If that scared little boy tried to re-emerge now, The Alpha would send him off whimpering to sulk in a dark corner of my mind.
For those friends of mine who feel I have been too hard on my past self, I'm sorry. But hindsight is 20/20. Well, my actual vision is also 20/20, but that's beside the point. The point is that I do not like who I was. When I think back on who I was it makes me sick. Not because of what's happened, not because I think he caused anything, but just because I don't like that guy. I have no respect for him, and what was worse, he had no respect for himself. But, I have moved past that. I am not him anymore, and now I simply love myself. I love who I am NOW, and that is what is really important.
All this is so great for my novel. The novel is tentatively titled, "Change," but that is just a working title, it will likely -- ahem -- change. But my novel is about change, first and foremost. I started it years ago, I had no clue any of this would happen. But my characters, all of them, go through drastic changes throughout the novel. None of them are the same people in the end that they were in the beginning. And the main character, who remains nameless throughout the book, goes from a reclusive, bitter, self-loathing misanthrope to a healthy, functioning human being. Him being the narrator of a narration which progresses in real time, the narration also changes, and me making these changes in myself has allowed me to continue writing that novel. I had gotten to the point in the book where his changes took place. He was no longer that vile, retched creature that had started the book, but how could I continue writing the novel, when I, the author, was still that vile, retched creature? How could I have written about changes I knew nothing about. I couldn't, and I didn't. My novel had stalled. But it is on track again. I know how to write him now. I know how he feels now. I have made the changes that he has made, well, he he, no, not exactly, but internally, yes.
I was joking with my good friend Jay that I hit a time-lapsed puberty on Wednesday. I went to bed a boy and woke up a man. I don't know if it's the working out or the protein shakes or just eating right and being healthy, but something has increased my testosterone production. At least it feels like that. Or perhaps it was just letting my guard down and not being afraid to let it rule me anymore. I'm just so alive and vibrant these days, so candid an unguarded, so alive and energetic, and, dare I repeat it, yes, I dare, because I am beyond proud of the fact that I am so sure of myself. If I sound like a broken record, that's too bad, because I can't believe the way it makes me feel.
Speaking of energetic, I MUST get out of this chair now. I have things to do, and I need to get them done.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
