The title says it all. I hate being wrong. Thinking that I'm going to feel one way, but all my friends telling me I'm going to feel another way, and thinking that I'm right, that I will maintain, that I am strong and I am stubborn. Well, I am strong, and I am stubborn, but, I'm also human. And my friends are all human, though some of them would get offended at that statement. They know humans and they know me. I've had a bad couple of days, hence, no blogs. I've been sad, I've been depressed, I've been manic at times. It's that undiagnosed bipolarity I'm sure I have raring its ugly head. I can fight it. The Alpha can fight it. But the Alpha scares me more than ever now. I don't think he wants what I want. But, I think what scares me most is that I know he is better than I am. He is smarter than I am. He is stronger than I am, and he will win. I kind of tried to push him aside the past couple of days and he doesn't like it. And I did some things I shouldn't have. I won't go into detail. But my Alpha personality was not pleased. I'm better when I just step back and let him be who he is, who I am, without trying to guide and manipulate him.
I need to start dating. It might not seem like the best idea, maybe it's not, but I want to. I'm not just going to sit and sulk when she's already moved on. I'm a catch. I'm smart, funny, super intelligent, kind, caring, great in bed. Yeah, I know, I've had myself. I'm fantastic. But I'm not getting any younger. My life can't stop, fuck, it's been stopped for too damn long. I need to go on some casual dates, nothing serious, but I need to have some good discussions and some fun with other women who are interested in me. I need to get out, have a good time. I don't even know how the hell to find someone. I've been unavailable for 14 years. Hell, I didn't know how to find someone before that, I just kinda did by accident. And I guess that's how it has to happen. By accident. At any rate, I can't do it until I am pleased with my own physique, hence all the working out.
I also need to cleanse the negative energy from my house. It has been building up, and no doubt, there was some here before we moved in as the last people who lived here were evicted due to foreclosure. Evidence of the anger is in the holes in the walls, the broken cabinets, the ceiling fan they ripped out of the ceiling before they left. But Heather and I have contributed plenty of our own negative energy to this house, and I need to get rid of it. There are no spirits here. At least, no oppressive ones, none I have felt. I have lived in houses with negative spirits (yes, some of you think I'm a kook now, whatever, you don't even know), and this isn't one of them. But the energy is here. Energy left over from depression and from anger, from resentment and betrayal. I feel them. When I walk into this room where my computer is, my mood changes. Doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in when I'm in the hallway about to come in, when I get into this room, I get angry, I get defensive, I get ... drained of everything good. Heather and I can no longer share this small space. I'm going ahead with my original plan to move my computer into the bedroom. I need my own space, I want my own space. And I feel good about it this time, not because I think it's something that she wants to get me away from her, but because this time it's what I want. I have separated the back portion of the bedroom so that it will not feel as if I am sleeping and working in the same room. It is a huge room, but regardless, I need my computer area to have four "walls" of its own and feel like a separate space. I was going to set Heather's art table up back there, but instead, I'll be setting that up right here, where my computer is now. Heather can have this room, and I'll have the makeshift room in the back of the bedroom. As soon as I accumulate enough garlic peels, I will be cleansing this room so that she is not affected by the negative energy.
And with that, let me say: I know I am being too good to her. I know this. The past few days I have been a dick. I'm not sorry about this, I'm just stating a fact. I was tired of being good all the time. It's why I need to detach a little more, move my space away from hers. I need my own space.
Every day I accept less and less blame for what she has done, what she is doing. Every day I place a bit more of it on her. I was not unhappy in the relationship. I was unhappy with my life, with the way I was living, with my depression, everyone is unhappy with their depression, but as far as the relationship went, I thought that we were fine. If she was not fine, that was her responsibility to tell me, I am not a fucking psychic. I cannot read minds. I can sense when things are wrong, but when I ask someone specifically what is wrong and they don't tell me the fucking truth, then there's just nothing I can do about that. When they blame their mood on everything else and say that I haven't done anything and that it's not because of me that they are in a bad mood and that we are fine, why should I question that? I blame myself for letting myself get into the state I was in, and that's it. This situation? Her leaving me because she met someone else and is going to run off and start something new rather than committing to rebuilding the relationship that we already had? I am not to blame for that. Not a fraction of a percent.
So, I'm left by myself with nothing but my multiple personalities. I turn my body back over to The Alpha. The Alpha knows how to succeed, and the rest of me does not. The Alpha knows how to find happiness in any situation, while the rest of me does not. Several of my other traits ganged up on The Alpha and succeeded in pushing him aside. These traits had wants that were at odds with The Alpha, and there was an internal struggle. The Alpha is right, and the rest of me is wrong. So, Alpha, come forth, reclaim your body, do what you do best and take what you want, do what you want. Push aside the parts of us that are harmful to our physical and mental well being. Be confident. Be strong. Be Me.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
