I've been cleaning up the bedroom a bit so that I can move my computer in there when my wireless card comes. So many things in there, so many memories. It's so fucking hard. She made me so many promises she didn't keep. She made me think that I was special. But I wasn't, not to her. I had no doubt that she would never leave me, that she would never cheat. I was wrong. All those things she said to me when we were first meeting ... God, they meant nothing and I fell for them all. Our connection was so strong, she'd never felt love like that before, blah blah blah blah. Lies. All fucking lies. I believed them all. Soul mates, twin flames, lies lies lies lies lies. Now, I'm just tossed aside for the next one.
What did any of it mean? What was all of this for? I don't deserve this. I don't fucking deserve it. I have been so good to her. Even through the depression and the apathy, hers and mine, I was still good to her. I bought this house for US to live in. I gave her everything I could, both emotionally and materially. And now, I'm just trash. Not to me, I know I'm not trash, I know I have worth, I know that I am a wonderful guy that any woman in her right mind would be happy as hell to have. But not Heather. No, not Heather. Heather is Heather, and she will always be Heather. She said I was special. She's right. I am special. I'm one in a million. Guys like me are fucking rare. One day, she's going to want to come back, but there's going to be another woman holding me at night. And, no, she may not be my soul mate, and she may not be an intellectual equal, and she may not understand me. We may not be as compatible. But she will love me for my strengths and my weaknesses, and she will appreciate me, and she will support me, and she will comfort me when I need comforting, and she won't stomp my heart into dust on the ground. And I will not toss her aside just because Heather realizes she fucked up.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
