I noticed that recently, I have not been blogging about how I am, how I am feeling. I think that is because I'm feeling good. I have been doing a lot of internal healing, thinking, reflecting, and open as I am usually, they are very personal things about my past relationship that I don't really want to get into great detail about. I am always very cautious when I am doing fine these days, and I wonder, "Am I really fine? Is this roller coaster ride coming to an end? Am I going to be really messed up again?" Well, I don't know the answer to any of those questions, but I have asked them, and I have searched within myself for an answer, and I have thought carefully about things that may potentially set me off into sadsville again, and still I feel fine. Then I think, is it normal to feel fine this soon after such a huge upset in my life, especially considering the nature of it? And then I remember it has been over a month since all this started.
Basically, here is where I am at right now: I don't believe Heather is making the right choice for herself. Rather, I don't believe she has made the right choice for herself, the choice is made. I believe that she is going to be unhappy, and regret her choice. However, that said, I desperately hope that I am wrong. I don't often hope to be wrong. I love being right. But I'm not one of those people who can't admit when they are wrong. And I'm not one of those people who believe that they never are wrong, despite what clear facts tell them. I am wrong sometimes. I know that and I accept it. I usually don't like it when it happens, who does? But this time I want to be wrong, because I truly want Heather to be happy. I know that I am going to be happy. I don't know what lies ahead and it's exciting. The exciting unknown. My future is wide open to me and my happiness depends on one person: Me. Heather's course, at least part of it, is chosen already. There are unknowns for her, but there is another person involved in her future. Her happiness depends not only on herself at this point, but also on him. I see a lot of problems with the union, but then, I am not a part of that union, so I only see it from the outside, and I only see one side of it. From her side, she seems very happy with her choice, and I honestly, truly wish her every happiness. I'm sure I have not completely let go, what's it been, four days since I decided to just let go? I'm aware that is not enough time to declare myself over and done with it. But I have made large strides. Currently, at this moment, and for the past day and a half, two days, I have felt at peace with what is going on. I hope that peace maintains. I want it to maintain. I am feeling good, and dammit, I like feeling good.
Everybody is different. There is no formula for how much grieving is enough and how much is too much. I'm trying my best to make sure I do this right, that I don't lock anything away, that I'm not harboring any resentment. When this is all said and done with, I want to be completely free of it, and that's what I am working toward. And it is going well. I was scared that once I really and truly confronted the truth head on and accepted it not as a possible reality, but as the only reality that exists that I would become very hateful and very bitter. I have thought very long and very hard on wrongs that have been done to me. I have thought long and hard about my relationship, about mistakes that were made by me, mistakes that were made by her and tried to understand them. And I have had very sad moments. I have had some angry moments. But on the whole, I am feeling pretty happy.
I have thought about what I am losing, and it is a great loss. Rather, I have thought about what I have already lost. Just because Heather is still living here does not mean that I still have her. I don't. I lost her. But not all of her. I think our relationship is doing a really great job of being a great friendship. It is finding its place, and it is happening rather naturally, at least it feels that way to me. I have been able to just enjoy spending time with her without having romantic feelings toward her. I have been able to spend time with her without blanking out and obsessing about old times. Old times are gone. They were great, but these are new times.
Since Heather is on dialysis and needs a kidney, she has always been at an increased risk of death. This has been a very troubling, yet very real thing that I have had to face these past six years. It has caused me to force myself to reflect, over the duration of our relationship, on the possibility, the dreadful, most horrible possibility: What if Heather died? Well, first, devastation. Complete and total shut down and devastation. But I would have had to get over it at some point, I knew that. So, it was my life AFTER "getting over" that horrible situation that I would force myself to focus on. What kind of life would I live? What would life be like? And that's what I'm going to have to move into now. That imagined life that would have taken place after the worst tragedy I would have endured to date, but with one very happy catch: Heather isn't dead. Heather is alive, and she has the chance to be happy. And that is a wonderful, glorious thing. I don't have to mourn her. She's fine. Well, she still needs that kidney, and I want her to get it very badly, but she's alive, and she has the chance to get that kidney, and she has the chance to go on and live a semi-normal life. And that is wonderful. So I have lost her as a lover, but kept her as a friend.
I think about what I have lost, I do. How could I not? But I am also gaining so much. And I can't just focus on what I've lost. First, I gained my life back. I gained my dignity, my self-respect, my drive, my ability to write, my soul, basically. It was lost, and now is found. I am gaining freedom. It wasn't a freedom I sought, but I'm gaining it none-the-less, and who doesn't like freedom? I have gained more time with my family, more time with my friends. I have gained endless possibilities as far as my love life goes. I'm not even going to try to plan that out, I'm going to roll with it and see what happens. I am, however, going to be cautious. I'm not going to jump back into a relationship for a while. I need to spend some time single. How much time? I don't know. I'll know when I'm ready, though. Even if I find someone I think would be perfect for me ... I may need to let them go because I'm just not ready to dive back into that with anyone. And after jumping straight from Tricia to Heather, I really need to take some time and really explore what is out there rather than just jumping in headfirst to the first thing that comes along. Yeah, I know, the first thing that comes along may be just wonderful, but I'll just have to miss out on that. Because what I need right now is not necessarily time alone, but I do need time uncommitted. I need time to not feel like I owe anyone anything emotionally. I need some time to put myself first for a change instead of organizing my life around someone else's. And I'm going to take that time, and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to enjoy being free to do whatever I like.
I don't understand Heather's decision. I mean, I do, and I don't. But that's okay, because I don't have to understand it. I just have to accept it, and I have. Life without Heather is not a possible future. It is the future that is going to happen. And I can deal with that because it's so much better than my nightmare scenario, because she is alive. And so I can be happy. I recognize that had things been different, had something else woken me up to the reality of how deep I was into depression, that she and I could have been very happy together. But that's not what happened. And although that would have been wonderful, she is not my only path to happiness, and things can and will still be wonderful for me.
So, that's how I am. That is where I am at right now. And I hope I stay right here, because it feels good. I'm tired of the roller coaster. I've grieved, I've cried, I've downright sobbed. I've gotten angry, bitter, pissed off, even. I have begged and I've bargained with Heather and God, and neither worked. I've gotten depressed, become hopeless, declared all is lost. But it's not. All is not lost. Much has been gained, and much more will be gained. And I am, once again, for the fourth or fifth time, at the last and final stage of grief, acceptance. And I want to please stay here this time. I don't want to start back over at the beginning and do all this grief all over again as I have kept doing throughout this.
Moving my desk was cathartic. I love my new little private room. It's all mine to decorate as I please. It's quiet, and I can make it the temperature I want. If I'm cold and want heat, I don't have to worry about whether she's hot, If I'm hot and want to cool it down, I don't have to worry abut whether or not she's cold. I can just do it, and be comfortable. And, separating ... it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Since we've remained nice to each other (for the most part, obviously there were rough spots, it's a hard situation), still care about each other's well being, can still spend time together without it being weird ... for the first time in my life, I'm going to really remain friends with an ex, and that is growth in itself. I'm hoping I only have one more huge hurdle to get over, and that will be the day she leaves. It's going to be hard on both of us, I think. Yes, I'll most likely cry again on that day, and I'm sure I'll probably cry a few times before that, too. But I hope I remain in this state of mind right now for the most part. It is healthy, and good, and I feel good, and it is where I need to be at this point.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
