An Introspective Retrospective and Perspective on My Prospective Life.
Category: Life
Mood: Contemplative
Posted: 4:04am Wednesday, October 7th, 2009
What a day. It's gloomy outside, what Heather calls a "daimy day." I always liked that. But anyway, it is grey, windy, and damp outside, as it is grey, windy and damp inside. Oh, I knew the roller coaster wasn't over. I'm bound to get down. It's changing though, it's gone from a deep longing for things to be different and a refusal to accept what was happening to wistful retrospection about what was. Acceptance is still there, firmly footed, thank God. Material things seem to bring it on. Things I own, things that we were both supposed to own, at least, that was the idea when purchased. And, the material things mean nothing, not really. It's what they symbolize. But, it's no longer crushing. Now it is but a wistfulness that you would feel on thinking back on any past that you remember as good. And it is a nostalgia for a future that never existed. And that raises all kinds of questions that spring from one big, central question: What will my future be now?
Hell, it can be anything. Not anything I want, just, anything could happen. Some things I will have control over through choices I make, but other things will just happen and I'll have no control. Concerning decisions I make ... my God, so many possibilities. I don't even know what I want. I mean, I know I want to get published, but beyond that? I have no idea. I imagine my life and there are so many different versions that could take place, and I don't even know which one I like best. I guess I have a lot of stuff to figure out, or maybe I should just not try to figure things out and just roll with whatever. It's something to think about.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
