I do not regret anything I have ever done. That is not to say I am without regret. I regret plenty, but all of my regrets are because of things I didn't do. I never regret anything I do, but if I want to do something and don't do it, I almost always regret it.
I was thinking of this before I went to bed last night. I was thinking about how wide open my future is, and that I shouldn't rule out anything. If something strikes my fancy, I should do it. If I want to say something, I should say it. Because if I don't, I'll just be adding to the long list of regrets for things undone and things unsaid. If I do something that ends badly, there is no regret because I had to do it in order to know it would end badly.
I have spent years living by a set of rules I invented for myself. Those are gone now. I am on a path that has gone straight for miles and miles. But now, ahead of me is a massive crossroads. There are hundreds of paths crossing at this spot, and there are hundreds of branches on each of these roads I might choose. It is daunting and scary and confusing -- yet exciting. The possibilities are endless. But of all these possible paths, I can only travel one. I choose a branch now, and next crossroads, I can choose one branch then, and out of all of these possibilities, I am left with one path that will carry me through my life. I cannot see which one it is. I can't start walking down one road, decide I don't like it, and come back to this spot to choose another. There is no walking back. Once you start down a road, you must continue down that road until you come to another crossroads, and THEN you may choose to continue on or veer off. The road I have been on doesn't even have a continuing road. Sometimes they don't. I am at a point where I can't just continue on, but MUST choose a different path. It is a lot to take in. It is a lot to consider. Future regrets for things undone and unsaid are imminent, though I wish they weren't. I'm feeling good today, but also overwhelmed by this idea.
A week ago, I thought I knew what path I wanted to take, I thought I knew what I wanted, but I don't. I don't know. My wants conflict with one another. And some roads look mostly good, but there are problems. Like the beautiful path I really want to walk down, but ... yikes, I don't want to pass that spooky house on the right. And this other path looks exciting and kind of dangerous in an exciting way, but I don't know how I'll get across that ravine with the bridge out. And just because I want to go down a certain path, not all of them are available to me. Some of them have gatekeepers who will not let me through. "I understand you want to walk this path," they say, "But this path is mine, and I don't want you walking it." So, even if I make up my mind and choose the path I really want, there's no guarantee that it's a path I can follow.
So, yeah, I'm in good spirits, but all of this is weighing on my mind. All of this and so much more.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
