The blog has been quiet for a while now. That's not because I haven't felt like writing, and it's not because I had nothing to say. I had plenty to say, plenty I wanted to say, a hell of a lot to talk about. But I couldn't post any of it in a public forum until I explained a few things to the people closest to me. That has been done now.
What a long, strange trip it's been. If someone had approached me six months ago and tried to tell me where I would be today, what I would be doing, how I would be feeling, I would have laughed in their face and told them to go take their meds.
If you've been keeping up on my blog, you know the story up to a point. If you haven't been keeping up on my blogs, why not? Stop now, go read them all, then come back. I'll pick up where I left off. I'll skip over the cooking, cleaning, home repairs, those were filler blogs because I couldn't talk about what was on my mind. I left off at the point where I decided to let go of the feelings I was holding onto concerning Heather. After a month of holding on to them and at the same time trying to get over her because I knew she probably was not staying, and that nothing I did would change her mind, actually letting go was fairly easy, because most of the work had been done. I did go through the grieving process again, but acceptance came easier this time. Heather and I kind of easily slid into a very comfortable platonic relationship, not like the tense, forced stressful interaction we had been experiencing. Once I truly let go, truly accepted that it was over, done with, once and for all, it was easy to immediately let her back in as a friend. I wasn't sure I would be able to do that. I thought I might harbor some resentment for her, but I didn't, which was surprising.
Throughout all of this, from the beginning, my friends have been there for me. All of my friends supported me every step of the way, gave me advice, made me feel better, and Jay was one of those friends. He was very supportive during the whole process of my breakup with Heather. I've known Jay for ten years, but after Heather broke up with me, I started spending a lot more time with him. And I liked spending time with him a great deal. Then, after I was completely over Heather romantically and had accepted that she and I are just really good friends, and kind of realized that's all we really have been for some time before she ever broke up with me, and I had decided logically and rationally that I needed some time to stay single, something began to happen.
Jay and I have always had a really good connection. We've always considered each other great friends even though we really never spent a whole lot of time together. There was always just this connection there that was kind of inexplicable. For instance, our lives have seemed to run parallel courses. When I was meeting Heather online and moving to Cleveland, he met someone at the very same time and moved to ... Columbus. Both met someone, uprooted our lives, and moved to Ohio. That's the largest example, but there were all kinds of little things. If I was going through something difficult, I could almost bet money on the fact that Jay was, too.
I spent more time with all of my friends after Heather and I ended. Some of them live too far away for me to afford gas on my budget, but those friends talked to me online and on the phone a great deal. But in spending more time with Jay, I began to notice a shift in how I felt about him. I began to really look forward to seeing him, and when I did see him, I didn't want to leave. I think I always knew, somewhere deep down, that there was something more there. I think that's one of the reasons I never made it a point to try to spend more time with him when I was in a relationship.
I've always known I was bisexual. I've known that since I knew what sex was. I was pretty young when I learned what sex was. I didn't experience it at a young age, but I was well aware of what it was. For a very long time, I fought with myself internally concerning my attraction to guys. My attraction to women I was comfortable with, that was normal, every guy had that, but my attraction to guys would ostracize me, people don't accept that, it's not "normal", or so they say. So I kept it a secret, and I tried to deny it to myself. During the more spiritual moments in my life, I would beg God to take it away. But you know what happened? He didn't. I would beg him to help me to get rid of it. He didn't. I tried to wish it away, push it away, for years I tried. But you know what? It's still there. At some point I realized, if God didn't want this to be a part of me, first, he wouldn't have made it a part of me, and second, he would have taken it away when I asked him to, begged him to. He, at the very least would have helped me to repress it and keep it there. But he didn't. Because it's part of who I am, part of who I am supposed to be, and there is nothing wrong with it no matter how many times you quote the bible out of context and twist its meaning. Bottom line, the bible doesn't say that being gay is wrong. I know. I was very concerned. I studied it. The passages that do make it appear that homosexuality is wrong have been largely mistranslated from the original text. Men wrote the bible. Inspired by God, yes, but not written by Him. It was written by men, translated and retranslated and retranslated by men. If you believe that the bible says homosexuality is wrong, then you also must believe that if your son misbehaves, you should take him to town hall and let your neighbors stone him to death. Cause that's also in the bible (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). So, my point? Don't tell me that my feelings I can't help feeling because I was born with them are wrong unless you are willing to let your neighbors stone your son to death. K?
So, where was I? Ah, yes. Jay. I began to realize that I liked Jay a bit more than you should like your friends. I once again had something that was secret, that I couldn't talk about. I wrote a few cryptic blogs concerning different paths available to me and not knowing what I wanted anymore, but then I just quit writing even those, because there was no point. I was sure that my feelings were one-sided, so I was just going to keep them to myself and try to work through them, if I could. Then, at some point, I decided I couldn't do that, and I had to tell him no matter the outcome. I mostly expected him to tell me about our ten year friendship that he didn't want to risk losing. Also, I still wasn't absolutely positive that I would be able to be with a guy. I kind of pictured being with a guy would be just like being friends coupled with a committed sexual relationship. I didn't think that having romantic feelings for another guy was possible for me. My interest in men had always been purely physical.
As it turns out, I didn't get the chance to tell Jay that I was a little too happy to see him when we hung out. I had told him, as I had told everyone, that I felt that I was finally completely over Heather, and that I was in a place where I thought I was going to start dating again. Apparently, he was feeling the same way about me as I was about him ... because things kind of took off without me having to say anything about it. And then I realized ... it was not only possible for me to develop romantic feelings for a guy, but it was happening, had happened, and when I think back on our friendship, started happening a long time ago. When I think back, I was always just a little too happy to see an email from Jay, or a request to hang out. I never analyzed it or thought much about it, but ... yeah. If I want to be honest with myself, I've been crushing on Jay for a very very long time.
At first, he and I had talked about just rolling with it, staying friends, seeing where it went. I had just gotten out of a six year relationship, and I had to make sure that this was not just me running to the first person who looked at me. But I knew it wasn't. I knew there was something deeper there with Jay. Besides, logically, I had decided to stay single, I wanted to stay single. I wasn't looking for someone to run to. I was prepared to be looked at, to be wanted, I was prepared to date without commitment. But, then Jay happened. :) Jay, who I had wanted for so long without even realizing it. Next thing I knew I had made up my mind to tell my family and friends that I was bi, had always been bi, and was getting involved with a guy who was a good friend of mine. And a few days after I made up my mind to do it, it was done. I told everyone. Jay never asked me to do that. In fact, he wanted to make sure I didn't think it was something he expected of me. And I didn't think that he required that. I wanted to do that because Jay was making me very happy when I was with him, and when I emailed him, and when I talked to him in any way, and I can't hide my happiness, or its cause, from my friends and family.
It didn't take us long to decide that, yes, we are together, officially. And I am happy. I am extremely happy. And he's happy, which makes me even happier, because I like seeing him happy. I like knowing that I have helped to make him happy.
Obviously, I have much more to say about all of this. But these are the basics, and I will stop here for now.
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Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
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