Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm with a great guy who cares about me and shows it, and I love him. I have a job most people would love to have. I own my house. I make enough to live comfortably. I have luxury items, including the computer I'm using to write this blog. Yet half an hour ago I was sobbing uncontrollably for no damned reason.
On the way home from work today I passed under a bridge on the way to the Interstate. I was in my warm car (that I own) and I looked over and saw several people huddled under blankets under the bridge. And older guy with a full gray beard and blankets pulled up to his chin saw me looking, saw pity in my eyes, and he smiled weakly at me. But I was not crying for those people. I should have been, sure. I was crying cause I'm fucking depressed. I feel lonely, even though there is no reason to feel lonely. I have people who care about me, people I care about. Still I feel lonely and alone, and I can't stop feeling that way.
Is some of this nicotine withdrawl? Maybe. I don't know. I should get rid of my animals, my dog and two cats ... but I can't. I can't because they are the only ones who are always there. I can't even imagine not having the dog to talk to, hell, even just to yell at.
I need meds, but meds don't even work. What I really need is marijuana. It's the only thing that really works. It's the only thing that evens me out, makes me halfway sensible. And sometimes it doesn't even work. Anti-depressants just make me apathetic. Emotionally flatlined. Gray. That's no better than being depressed. Hell, that is being depressed. Depression isn't all about sadness. They also take away your sex drive. They take away your everything drive. On anti-depressants, desire doesn't exist. Didn't for me anyway. It's just numbness, which is just as bad as the feeling I was trying to get rid of.
I don't talk about this stuff a lot. I hint at it sometimes, but I don't go in depth. There are two reasons for this. 1) I don't want sympathy. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. That's not why I blog. That's not why I share. 2) I don't want important people in my life to think that they are somehow causing this, or that they can somehow prevent it. You aren't, and you can't. I know I am loved by friends and family. I know I am cared for a lot. There is nothing you can do, nothing you should be doing that you aren't. This isn't about what I am or am not getting from my friends and family. This is about chemical imbalances, or ... psychological imbalances within myself that are beyond my and everyone elses control.
I want it to stop. I want to feel normal again ... I hope I can.
I just had a very amusing (to me) mental image of a mash-up between Lord Of The Rings and Silence Of The Lambs. Gollum, as Buffalo Bill, leaning over the pit, looking panicked, it pans down to the girl holding Precious, the dog. Gollum says, "It puts The Precious in the b (Read More)
I am in desperate need of the catharsis one experiences upon slitting someone's throat with a razor-sharp blade followed by the joy and elation obtained from watching the life drift from their eyes turning them to dead, glassy orbs as I am filled with the energy that used t (Read More)
I rushed out of work at 5pm
Plopped my ass in my car again
Welcome to the land of lazyness,
hey, gotta get my rest in.
Started up the car
headed home for my free time
Look at the street and I see a really bad sign.
Traffic looks so crazy
Everybody's in my way, s (Read More)
I envy a person who can hear their alarm go off, turn it off, and get up out of bed, ready to start the day. I live by the snooze button. It is my best friend in the morning. Well, it and my coffee. I'd marry it if congress would hurry up and pass that bill legalizing m (Read More)
So, my car's wrecked, I told ya that. The bumper was precariously attached. It began to become unattached. I'll fix it with some Gorilla Glue just as soon as the snow is gone and the temperature is more moderate. For now, I removed it and placed it on my porch. So the (Read More)
The last few weeks have been kind of hectic and draining. Last Wednesday I wrecked my car. Hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, down a hill, into a pole. I wasn't hurt. The car was. I spent nearly a week with my brother-in-law trying to fix it. Had to replace the ra (Read More)
Depressed. And I'm quite tired of being depressed. There's no reason for me to be depressed. No logical reason, anyway. I'm insane, that's obvious. I have great friends. What's left of my family, my sister, brother, nephews and niece, et al, are wonderful. I'm w (Read More)
